Dark Clouds

Now that I have a new shiny blog, I can't stop thinking about posting to it - but what I've wanted to post since setting it up is mostly sadness and depression and that's probably not going to be very interesting for anyone.

Unfortunately for you, dear reader, I've decided I'm not going to let that stop me!

I hope I don't do this sort of sad posting every time I blog - I certainly don't want to - but I'm stuck. Like, really stuck.

There are a lot of things probably contributing to this, but lately I've had a deep sadness hanging over me. The last week was actually pretty good - I did a bunch of code refactoring at work and played with some electronics stuff on the weekend. All in all, it was pretty productive and I felt pretty good about it.

But hoo-boy did I crash today.

It was sudden, too - I was trying to get into some code this morning and then it was like someone turned the light switch off in my brain and dropped a bag over my head.

Zap! Sad and dark.

Years ago I was on antidepressants and I distinctly remember one day when they finally kicked in. It was like I could see color again. Actually, it was literally that! I was driving and suddenly noticed a field and the way the sun was hitting the plants and it was kind of amazing and I turned to my wife and said something like, "holy crap there's color over there!"

Over the years, though, the stuff slowly stopped working. It wasn't a sudden thing - just everything slipping more and more back into gray. At a checkup I mentioned this, and so the doctor switched to a different drug (the process of which sucked). And after more time, we tried another one. And another. I never had that same, "holy crap" moment again, though.

Sometime during early COVID when all appointments were video calls, he changed me to yet another med and within days I was having serious pains in my neck and shoulders. I couldn't relax. I couldn't unclench the muscles. It was exhausting and painful and he didn't seem to believe me.

I stopped taking the drugs after that - almost cold turkey. I didn't ask permission or tell him. I just stopped on my own with a very quick ramp down. I needed to fix this somehow.

Unfortunately that didn't get rid of the tension, but it seemed like it had stopped getting any worse. So I lived with it for months waiting for it to go away. Eventually I went to a physical therapist and that finally did the trick - but even that took months before there was progress. I guess things were pretty messed up.

I really looked forward to physical therapy - it felt good, got me out of the house, and it was working. Of course the insurance company decided I didn't need it anymore (too bad they didn't ask me or my PT) and it was too expensive to pay for myself every time. So I had to stop.

But, weirdly, I was feeling pretty good without any drugs for a long time after. Work was going okay - we weren't getting rich, but it felt stable.

Lately, though, Iconfactory has been having problems. And even though I'm not an owner and can't do much about it myself, the stress has been really getting to me anyway. I gave up a lot to stay there for 16 years and, I think, I'm worrying it might have been for nothing? Well, not "nothing" but you probably know what I mean. If it collapses, then it feels like I'll have nothing to show for it, really. I'm not making tons of money. I don't have a bunch of savings. I basically live month to month. It's not like we'd all get some big payoff. There's no one that's going to say, "Hey congratulations, this huge and important chapter in your life is over! To celebrate, here's one million dollars, a big trophy for the shelf, and a ticket to Disney!"

So the darkness that I've had a long history with has started to return - but it feels more forceful than before. I don't want this. I want to just keep doing what we've been doing. I want to spend the day trying to work, and then spend the evening trying to relax. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for much, here.

Sometimes I hate hearing stories of people making hundreds of thousands a year doing the same work I've been doing for decades. I think I hate it because maybe I'm jealous of that sometimes. I also don't feel like I'd be deserving of those salaries that I hear about - I have so many off and down days, after all. I'm certainly not jealous of missing out on the kinds of corporate BS that I hear about, but, I honestly can't imagine what kind of lifestyle I'd have right now if I had been making "industry standard" for the last decade!

All of these feelings add up. It's easy for me to not care as much about the money when things are stable, but now things are unstable. I gave up chasing unstable startups all those years ago for small company stability and camaraderie. I was never chasing riches - just stability, good people, and interesting code to write.

Anyway, this is a lot and I don't know why I'm writing about it for the whole world to read but it's kinda what I do. I doubt anyone out there can wave a magic wand and fix it. (Although if you can - give it a shake!)

I guess what I'm saying is, I have a history of depression and thought I had dodged it, but now I have circumstances that are preying upon that history and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is nor am I certain of what I even want. I could get on meds again - and maybe I should - but that won't fix the rest of the stuff that, I think, is really causing it. I'm not sure what will.